February 6th, 2011

The Fourth Step

I'm on my fourth step inventory in my al-anon program. It's rather lengthy. There is a whole book of questions and I am trying to answer every single one of them. It's curious that this strange event happened at work and the very next topic in my inventory was Fear.

I have never thought of myself as a fearful person... but I am realizing that I do have a deep rooted fear of authority figures. For some reason, whenever "authority" calls me, I immediately think that I have done something wrong and that I am in trouble. Maybe it's because a few times, I did do something wrong and I was in trouble. Anyway, I don't know why I am so afraid of being in trouble. I am no longer a child! I did have a couple of traumatic experiences at school. I mostly thrived at school but my senior English teacher was such a jerk. I think he had the Napoleon complex. He would sit up at his stool, behind a huge podium, and whack the side of the podium with a whip-like stick... scaring all of us. He was so mean and merciless. I once forgot the textbook and he totally made me cry. It was the only time that I ever got detention. The most humiliating part was that he wouldn't let me share a book with my friend so I had to just sit there staring blankly at my desk. What an asshole. There is no need to humiliate a student who is already shaking in fear and tearful. Jerk.

I also got slapped by a teacher once in second grade.. this was in Korea and I think I was traumatized because he wasn't even my teacher, he was directing this sports festival thing we were supposed to be practicing. I guess I wasn't paying attention because he slapped me. Maybe that's why I hate sports and didn't do any in high school. I almost did swim team but the coach was a pervert.